Mountains and valleys
Mountains inspire us.
Valleys mature us.
We can't have one without the other. How would we even know the difference if we couldn't experience both?
We can't live every day of our existence in the realm of the grand view and exhilaration from the mountaintop vista, nor will we set up permanent residence in the dismal, gray valley of despair. Oft times it seems that the less-than-optimal days, the bleakness, drags on far longer than it "should." Until we are caught off guard by a split second of utter ecstasy. Of the sheer delight in good that comes our way at just the right time. And it ALWAYS does. Thank God!
How does this relate to my doula world? What valleys and mountains have I encountered recently? I won't soon forget the recent and sudden illness one of my daughters came down with. Quickly she was bedridden with body aches and a headache that no amount of NSAIDs seemed to relieve. Her COVID test result came back "abnormal." Interesting. What does that mean? Since her symptoms lined up with those of The Virus, we family members followed through with the assumption she had it and most of the rest of this household got tested too.
Meanwhile I had a client sitting at 40 weeks. I let her know about my daughter's COVID situation and that others of us in the family tested negative and had no signs of illness. I gave the couple some options to consider since they were uncomfortable with me providing in-person support and the hospital would not allow me in since I was exposed. One option that I secretly was hoping for was to hold off going into labor until 41w1d --the date after my entire family was given the green, back-to-normal light. We laughed as if this was within her control. She wisely chose a different option. The wise option was for me to provide virtual support for the duration of them laboring at home then passing the baton to my back up doula who would continue care, in-person, at the hospital. I sat in the valley, praying that if I didn't get to attend this birth in-person that I'd survive the thought that I somehow let my client down, for many uncomfortable days and nights.
Hand wringing, anxious thoughts of the real possibility of not being able to be with this couple was my valley. Each night I laid my cell phone next to my head expecting to hear my client's text chime signifying she was in labor and I wouldn't get to be with her in person played out for the next several nights. I was beyond distraught! I couldn't see any way out of it. There wasn't anything I could do to change the circumstances. There was a solid wall in front of me. I told myself over and over, "fall into the arms of Jesus. He's got you. He is still in control and you are not."
Miraculously we got to 41 weeks. At 41w1d I got the text that things were stirring. Baby waited for me! I was able to be with this precious couple for the 12 hours or so it took to produce a very sturdy baby!
One more valley I've made it through --the valley of not having the control I wanted. My prayer is that I will realize earlier that outcomes are not up to me and relinquish the need for control, knowing the Unchanging One remains faithful and true to me. Always. Even at my age, there is still so much maturing I need.
Another mountain to rejoice in! Serving a sweet couple and delighting in those first moments of recording with photos but forever etched in my mind the parents and newborn getting to know each other. A new family is born --my 103rd couple supported!
